In regard to actual relationships, I’ve dated 4 people that I would consider in the realm of serious, 3 of which were in my 20s. In fact, I spent nearly every year of my 20s in a committed relationship, all of which had their turmoil and challenges but they also contributed to my growth as a person. There is something about each that I’m thankful for and looking back I’m not sure how my life would have played out had I not met them. My first boyfriend was right out of high school and he helped me through the absolute hardest time in my life-the unexpected death of my little brother. I remember in my moments of inexplicable grief, panic and confusion, he was a source of stability as he absorbed much of my emotion and shared in my loss. I was in awe of his selflessness during that time and his eagerness to walk me through each day. I will always be indebted to him for that, he truly made the greatest difference in my survival. My next relationship was for nearly 6 years and I grew more intellectually during that time than I ever have. He was inspiring, eccentric and full of life. Much of it was long distance and I’ll admit there was so much about who he was that I took for granted and mistreated. He made me feel safe and cared for while challenging me to see the world differently. When we broke up my entire sense of stability was turned upside down, as I suddenly lost a huge part of my identity and security that I held onto for so long. After this is where I wish I had done things differently. Rather than confronting my pain, taking each day as a chance to find myself and establishing a strong mental foundation, I jumped right into another relationship. This next relationship isn’t something I regret but I believe we were both in it for the wrong reasons and ended up destroying a friendship at the end of it all. This person was calming, and while we shared very few similarities as people, being around him was easy and uplifting. His lighthearted nature and humor brought me immeasurable joy and peace. Perhaps its what I needed at the time, but I think he could have offered that same comfort as a friend.
This is a pattern I have since observed as an outsider for many of the people in my life-the eagerness to jump into the next relationship because they have not yet figured out how to be whole on their own. The admitted uncomfortableness, loneliness and solitude is too much to bear at first. Our heads get clouded with thoughts of the day to day monotony we use to face with someone else. Running errands, cooking dinner, traveling, holidays, social events-facing all these things alone is overwhelming when you were always used to having someone there. And its not just people that come out of a relationship, I watch many couples stay in relationships that aren’t serving their hearts and minds in ways that allow them to feel understood, appreciated and euphoric. The fear of the unknown and of being alone traps them in a life that hinders the greatest part of who they are from coming alive and thriving. I fell into this, so I know as well as anyone how easy it is to stay and how daunting it can seem to leave and form a new normal. It was after my 3rd relationship I found the strength to do things differently. The way that last relationship made me feel was enough for me to finally understand what I wanted and what I didn’t. The things that I loved and valued about myself the most were lost during that time and I compromised more than I ever should have, as did he. The weeks and months that followed I put in every effort to gain back the parts of me that I lost. I reconnected with as many friends as I could. I made an effort to say yes to anything I was invited to and meeting new people became the therapy I needed to heal. I reclaimed my independence and confidence by nurturing the parts of me I had ignored for so long. I picked up book after book, I never set up my TV, and began to focus on the things that I had always been passionate about. I surrounded myself with like minded people-those that I could have endless conversations with about visions and ideas and those that had experiences very different than my own. I stepped outside my normal social circle and began connecting with people that I could learn from. And best of all-I learned how to be happy and content on my own. I learned to appreciate the times I spent with just me and felt empowered by facing life with the strength that only I provided for myself. Since then I have learned exactly what I want out of a relationship and am okay waiting as long as I need to find it.
A feeling I’ve been fighting for a long time now, and by fighting I mean resisting from other people projecting it onto me, is the idea that being single is a temporary “condition” that at best I should manage and one day I’ll move past. That somehow being single is something I must “accept” as if its an unfortunate situation or something subpar compared to the lives of others that are in a relationship. This year has been especially isolating for many and has drawn considerable attention to those that don’t have a partner-as the gravity of solitude has intensified by self-quarantine and an unpredictable world. I recognize the tremendous difference having someone to share your life with makes- it can bring upon a different level of joy that can only be reached when you have someone you love, that loves you back and that you can share moments with-the good and the bad. However, rather than chasing that feeling and spinning your wheels frantically trying to find that person, its far more important to commit to and nurture the relationship you have with yourself as it can bring you joy of a different kind. The kind of joy that is emboldened and allows you to live your life for yourself and by your terms regardless of what goes on around you. Because any challenge that being alone may bring, relationships undoubtably bring their own set of challenges, and the more confidence and peace you have with yourself the less those challenges will engulf you later-whenever later may be. The acceptance I have with being single feels radical in a world that loves to define and set timelines for you. Resisting expectations set forth by our society in exchange for loving and embracing who I am can be seen as unconventional, but that’s ok. I know someday Ill meet the person I’m meant to spend my life with; I know my fate isn’t to spend my life perpetually single. Until then I am happier than I ever have been and I’m incredibly grateful for that.
Afterall, the hardened truth of the matter is that we are all alone. We’re interconnected as people but we are also ultimately alone in our bodies, our minds, and our unique past, present and future. Our experience with and perception of the world is only ours to bear. Humans will always exist as the center of their own universe; the only things you have full and complete control over is your own heart and mind. There is no need to wait for someone else to make you feel a certain way or think “if only I had someone, I could do this or that.” The greatest lesson I’ve learned over the last few years is that I can never rely on someone else to make me feel whole-that is purely my responsibility, single or not. A side effect of loving and appreciating yourself is that you’re much more particular of who you spend your time with. We live in a time in which its easy to jump on a dating app and have a different companion day after day to fill the silence, but alternatively the people I choose to invest my time in are intentional and for a reason. Anyone I date or get to know sparks some sort of curiosity in me and projects something I actually value in a person (they aren’t just taking up my time for the sake of not being alone.)
And I know that when I finally do meet someone to spend my life with, that choice will be made for the absolute best and most pure reasons. When I do begin another relationship, I know I’ll maintain the fortitude to continue to prioritize my goals, interests and self-reliance. The inner voice I have will always stand up for myself and remain kind and encouraging. I will forever be instilled with the understanding of what’s best for me and the strength to never accept anything less. The relationship I’ve cultivated with myself has enabled me to resist outside pressures and not be caged by societal expectations. However, I don’t live in a vacuum. There are of course times I feel inadequate or at a disadvantage due to the world around me and its influence-and for the simple fact I am human. And that’s ok. As much as I’m able to experience joy and fulfillment during my time alone, I’m also able to experience loneliness and uneasiness. But its during those times that I truly discover who I really am and what is of most importance to me. Experiencing the wide range of human emotions provides both humility and personal growth. My strengths, weaknesses and insecurities are laid out in front of me and forced to be processed head on. Nothing is masked by the comfort of someone being there to walk me through every bad day or negative thought or worse-there for me to avoid having any introspective thoughts at all. Its all on my shoulders to embrace and weather, with the help of my friends and family of course. I’ve spent the last few years tackling many of my demons-including my avoidant attachment style (that I may write about another time.) Relationships can serve as a distraction from your most inward struggles and those struggles often end up manifesting in other ways. Being single is a time to face yourself head on; learning who you really are and why. I love that I have formed my own identity without the inclusion of anyone else taking up space in that. I’ve spent my time developing interests and passions that I may have ignored had I not had this time for myself. And when I do meet someone to spend my life with I know I’ll love and appreciate those same characteristics in them.
I know a lot of this has been said before, in different ways by other people, time and time again. None of this is revolutionary. Especially in a time when people, particularly women, are marrying later in life or choosing to not marry at all- a lot of this is being sung from the rooftops as a proclamation of empowerment and resistance. Our society is progressing in a way that gives more value to self-reliance and the pursuit of your own goals than to the expectation of marriage and kids. I think the beauty in that is it opens the doors for the acceptance of a wide range of life styles, enabling people to remain authentic to themselves. The more we can protect our authenticity as people while maintaining our self-esteem, creativity and happiness the healthier and more vibrant our society will be. So if you’re single-Its ok to struggle, its ok to be sad, its ok to feel lost, just know that many of those emotions are fleeting. It gets better. And if all else fails, get a dog. I highly suggest it 😊
Ideas in Prose 